We have our own stand up comedians on the Coffee Shop forum

[whole diary]

[47714]

If you've never rewound a cassette tape with your finger, you have no right to complain about buffering.

[TonyK]

A couple of gloomy railway managers at the bar:

GWR^▸ (Great Western Railway) manager: I'm avoiding Bristol - passengers are angry we can't get conductors in our trains there.

NR^» (Network Rail - home page) manager: No kidding! We can't get conductors above your trains either!

I see what you did there - very topical!

Meanwhile, as the soup is served in a restaurant I haven't visited before:

Waiter: "Would you like a knob of butter in your soup, sir?"
Me: "There's no need to go to all that trouble. A simple lump will do."

From Father Ted:
Ted: "Dougal, would you like your pizza sliced into six or eight pieces?"
Dougal: "Oh, six please Ted. I couldn't manage eight pieces."

Or Father Dougal, rushing into the room reading a newspaper:
"Ted! Ted! Clint Eastwood has been arrested and put on trial for a crime he didn't... oh, wait, it's a fillum."

[JayMac]

I'm reminded of a classic Father Ted moment.

[hoover50]

Dave - I'm going to visit an old mate of mine tomorrow, he lives in a village just north of Cardiff

John - Taffs Well?

Dave - I didn't know he was ill

[Red Squirrel]

Sandra: "Are you going to the Saracen's Head tonight?"
Seb: "No, the Lansdown"
Sandra: "Dammit, I told them that old Token Ring kit wasn't long for this world..."

[patch38]

I tried to log onto their wi-fi and it told me I needed a password of eight characters.

So I chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

[TonyK]

Me (or possibly my son): "My parents are in India, where a street urchin offered to sell them "feelthy peectures""
Friend: "Mumbai?"
Me (or possibly son): "No, but Dad took a dozen."

[martyjon]

I once knew a fellow whose birth name was Richard Cranium. He openly admitted he had a 'Calamity Jayne' streak in him but could never understand why everyone nicknamed him Dick Head.

[johnneyw]

Mark Hopwood MD of First GWR^▸ (Great Western Railway) and Andy Cooper MD of Cross Country were being interviewed for a broadcast.

Interviewer: Well gentlemen, what are you going to do to improve services?

Mark Hopwood: Well, we are going to have a look at current issues, view the recourses available to us and take measured a approach to gradually improve on areas of concern over the next few years. We hope that bit by bit we start to iron out these problems a little at a time.

Interviewer: And what will Cross Country do?

Andy Cooper: We'll, in the next 6 month we'll introduce 200 mph trains on all lines, reduce fares by 50% and provide free catering. All our services will guarantee complimentary forward taxi travel to the passenger's destination from our stations and we will cut carbon emissions by 99%.

Interviewer: Isn't that a bit far fetched?

Andy Cooper: Well, Mark started it!

[Red Squirrel]

"I was thinking of following grahame's example by nipping up to Scotland to take some close-up photos of endangered stations. To help me blend in, I'll wear my kilt - without underwear, of course"
"Wide angle?"
"Why? Well it may get a bit breezy around the Trossachs, but it's the traditional way I'm told"

[patch38]

Which leads us neatly to the time-honoured:

"Is anything worn under the kilt Mr. McSquirrel?"

"No madam, it's all in perfect working order..."

[1st fan]

Mark Hopwood MD of First GWR^▸ (Great Western Railway) and Andy Cooper MD of Cross Country were being interviewed for a broadcast.

Interviewer: Well gentlemen, what are you going to do to improve services?

Mark Hopwood: Well, we are going to have a look at current issues, view the recourses available to us and take measured a approach to gradually improve on areas of concern over the next few years. We hope that bit by bit we start to iron out these problems a little at a time.

Interviewer: And what will Cross Country do?

Andy Cooper: We'll, in the next 6 month we'll introduce 200 mph trains on all lines, reduce fares by 50% and provide free catering. All our services will guarantee complimentary forward taxi travel to the passenger's destination from our stations and we will cut carbon emissions by 99%.

Interviewer: Isn't that a bit far fetched?

Andy Cooper: Well, Mark started it!

I almost lost a computer monitor to that. Must make a mental reminder not to read this thread whilst drinking anything.

[BerkshireBugsy]

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

[Western Pathfinder]

My young godson came to see me for tea this afternoon
He'd been out for the morning with his mum
She had taken him to the new zoo which had just opened in town
So I said ,did you enjoy your visit ?
Not much came his reply
They only had one animal on show and that was a dog
It's a shih tsu.

[47714]

I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.

It reminds me why there’s no money in there.