Red Squirrel
Administrator
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Posts: 5450
There are some who call me... Tim
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« Reply #15 on: September 26, 2017, 13:49:05 » |
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Our family had a holiday in Wales this year.
Caernarfon?
No, North Pembrokeshire. It was really nice actually.
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Things take longer to happen than you think they will, and then they happen faster than you thought they could.
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John R
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« Reply #16 on: September 26, 2017, 14:36:06 » |
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Son: Where does mum want to go on holiday this year.
Father: I'll ask her.
Son: I'd rather go somewhere nearer and warmer if you don't mind.
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John R
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« Reply #17 on: September 26, 2017, 14:36:56 » |
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I was recently diagnosed as having insomnia. It's ok though, I'm not losing any sleep over it.
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TonyK
Global Moderator
Hero Member
Posts: 6594
The artist formerly known as Four Track, Now!
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« Reply #18 on: September 26, 2017, 23:33:18 » |
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Person 1: Me and my wife went on Holiday to Wales.
Person 2: Bangor?
Person 1: Mind your own business.
And this variant actually happened: My nephew, at a family gathering: "I have the chance of going to the South Pacific with work. I'm taking my girlfriend". My brother (it's genetic): "Are you going to Tonga?" As it happened, they were, and had a jolly good time. Meanwhile, in England: Father: "Son, you grandmother has exhibited early signs of Parkinsons Disease in Cheshire." Son: "Nantwich?" Father: "Several times, son." |
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Now, please!
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JayMac
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« Reply #19 on: September 26, 2017, 23:49:47 » |
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Me: "I had an unfortunate incident with my zipper when using the public toilets in Henry VIII's London palace."
Friend: "Hampton Court?"
Me: "Yes, and yes."
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"A clear conscience laughs at a false accusation."
"Treat everyone the same until you find out they're an idiot."
"Moral indignation is a technique used to endow the idiot with dignity."
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TonyK
Global Moderator
Hero Member
Posts: 6594
The artist formerly known as Four Track, Now!
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« Reply #20 on: September 27, 2017, 00:05:12 » |
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Meanwhile...
Friend: There's been a terrible incident in Warwickshire involving the Mother Superior and an escaped crocodile.
Me: Nuneaton?
Friend: Everything bar the wimple.
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Now, please!
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broadgage
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« Reply #21 on: September 28, 2017, 09:31:08 » |
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A young lad, Jake, has been left in charge of the family farm for the day, whilst the rest of the household have gone to the market. A neighbour calls.
"Jake, is you father in ?"
" No he is away all day at the market, can I help you instead ?"
" Well, it is a bit delicate, I really ought to have a private word with your dad"
Jake replies "It is alright, I am sure dad wont mind, I know where everything is kept, if you need to borrow a tool or anything"
Neighbour hesitated a bit and then comes out with "well you see, it is about your older brother Sam, he has gotton my daughter, Maisie pregnant !"
Jack thinks for a bit, and replies "well, I know that dad charges £50 for the bull, and £10 for the boar, and £5 for the ram. But I don't know what he charges for Sam, just leave what you think is fair and I will keep it safe for dad."
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« Last Edit: September 28, 2017, 09:36:29 by broadgage »
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A proper intercity train has a minimum of 8 coaches, gangwayed throughout, with first at one end, and a full sized buffet car between first and standard.
It has space for cycles, surfboards,luggage etc.
A 5 car DMU▸ is not a proper inter-city train. The 5+5 and 9 car DMUs are almost as bad.
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patch38
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« Reply #22 on: September 28, 2017, 09:53:06 » |
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I was recently diagnosed as having insomnia. It's ok though, I'm not losing any sleep over it.
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog in heaven. |
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Western Pathfinder
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« Reply #23 on: September 28, 2017, 10:07:42 » |
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Last week he went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
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broadgage
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« Reply #24 on: September 28, 2017, 10:18:12 » |
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A respectable lady lives alone in an upstairs flat, with a pet cat. In time the belly of the cat becomes swollen, and the lady fears that the animal is sick and sends for the vet.
The vet examines the cat and says "she is in fine health, but expecting kittens, probably in about 3 weeks"
The lady exclaims in surprise and states "the cat can not possibly be pregnant, she never goes outside or sees another cat"
The vet glances around the room and replies "what about that tom cat under the arm chair, perhaps he is the father"
Reply "don't be silly, that is her brother"
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A proper intercity train has a minimum of 8 coaches, gangwayed throughout, with first at one end, and a full sized buffet car between first and standard.
It has space for cycles, surfboards,luggage etc.
A 5 car DMU▸ is not a proper inter-city train. The 5+5 and 9 car DMUs are almost as bad.
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Adelante_CCT
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« Reply #25 on: September 28, 2017, 10:23:22 » |
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Lots of coats seem to have disappeared...
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Western Pathfinder
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« Reply #26 on: September 28, 2017, 17:50:04 » |
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A mate of mine came around the other evening
So I invited him to stay for a bite of supper
Halfway through the meal we were talking when
He said I don't much care for your Mother in Law
I said that's OK just eat the chips & peas !
I've got my coat ......see you later.
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TonyK
Global Moderator
Hero Member
Posts: 6594
The artist formerly known as Four Track, Now!
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« Reply #27 on: September 28, 2017, 18:56:49 » |
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Meanwhile, I asked this gymnastics instructor if he could teach me to do the splits.
He asked "How flexible are you?"
I told him "I can't do Tuesdays".
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Now, please!
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Western Pathfinder
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« Reply #28 on: September 28, 2017, 19:08:15 » |
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My Wife went to visit her aged grandfather in his old folks home
As she was leaving yesterday evening the nurse came around with the drugs trolley,
And gave the old chap a sleeping tablet and some viagra,
Now my wife being a nurse has a good working knowledge of drugs ,and so asked the nurse Why the cocktail of tablets?
That's easy she replied the sleeping tablets send him off to sleep
And the viagra keeps him from rolling out of bed !.
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TonyK
Global Moderator
Hero Member
Posts: 6594
The artist formerly known as Four Track, Now!
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« Reply #29 on: September 28, 2017, 19:58:54 » |
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Wasn't there an Italian footballer called Viagra? IIRC▸ , he was noted for his sliding tackle....
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Now, please!
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