Your train delay is delayed due to future delays...written in 2012 !!

Your train delay is delayed due to future delays
By CRAIG BROWN FOR THE DAILY MAIL

PUBLISHED: 23:45, 11 July 2012 | UPDATED: 23:48, 11 July 2012

We apologise for this and for any future apologies. Our onboard dedicated customer service apology team will continue to deliver apologies at frequent intervals throughout the course of your journey with us today.

These apologies are due to circumstances beyond our control. Customers requiring apologies in braille, please apply to your train manager.

Please acquaint yourselves with the safety instructions situated in the head-rest opposite.

Sorry! Our dedicated customer service apology team will continue to deliver apologies throughout the journey

Customers are reminded that the consumption of safety instructions is a health hazard, so please do take care to ensure they are situated at a safe distance from all hot or cold snacks, available from our trolley service.

Customers standing in Coaches A and B are advised that there is still a limited amount of further standing room available in the remaining coaches.

On behalf of our onboard staff, thank you for travelling with us today.

Before embarking on your journey, please ensure you are in current possession of a valid ticket, as a prolonged custodial sentence may offend.

Customers are advised that there is still a limited amount of further standing room available

Customers in possession of Advance SuperSaver or Offpeak Leisurebreak tickets are reminded that they are not permitted for travel on this service, or any other.

Failure to comply with ticket restrictions may result in criminal proceedings.

Please check your ticket before travel, as on closer inspection you will see it is not valid anywhere, at any time.

Discounts do not apply. Tickets are valid only on the date and service shown on your ticket, which is not valid between 00:00 hours and 24:00 hours inclusive.

As part of our ongoing investment programme, we are pleased to announce that this service will be subject to a full range of delays and cancellations.

All our other lines are operating a good service, so we would respectfully remind customers wishing they had boarded another train that they have only themselves to blame.

We thank you for your customer co-operation and respectfully remind customers that for your security and comfort a full CCTV^▸ service is in operation. So whatever it is you are doing, stop it this minute.

Customers are respectfully reminded that complaining is an offence.

Customers wishing to board or alight should do so only when a train has arrived at its designated station stop. Passengers attempting to board or alight through closed doors and/or when the train is in motion may be subject to injuries.

Our next station stop will be our next station stop. Those wishing to alight at the previous station stop are reminded that they have just missed it and are consequently no longer in possession of a valid ticket.

Customers are reminded that Coach G is a dedicated quiet carriage.

Inspection: Check your ticket before travel, as you will see it is not valid anywhere, at any time

Those travelling in Coach G are requested to listen to the frequent onboard updates reminding them that Coach G is a dedicated quiet carriage.

A full list of station stops past, present and future will be recited into the quiet carriage in a loud voice at regular intervals.

For their added safety, customers in Coach G will be reminded every few minutes that they are not permitted to employ mobile phones, personal stereos, hammers, nails, squeaky toys, fog horns, loud hailers, trombones, dental drills, whoopee cushions, duck calls, party crackers, machine guns and/or bagpipes.

Customers in Coach G who are attempting to read books or go to sleep are reminded that Coach G is a designated Quiet Zone.

This is another reminder for Customers in Coach G that Coach G is a designated Quiet Zone.

Furthermore, customers in Coach G are reminded that Coach G remains a designated Quiet Zone.

We apologise for further delays. These are caused by further delays.

This is Emma, your customer host. A full range of hot and cold coffees and teas, alcoholic beverages, soft drinks and a choice of snacks, sandwiches, pasties, biscuits, cakes and light meals are available from the buffet. The buffet closed five minutes ago.

You are reminded that armed robbery is a crime.

Customers planning to use the platform stairs at the next station stop are reminded while ascending or descending to ensure they lift their left and right legs in succession or face serious injury.

We apologise for the late arrival of this train. This is due to the late arrival of this train. Due to an earlier incident, all later incidents have been cancelled.

For those travellers wishing to make their connection, the train standing at Platform 6 has just departed.

Please ensure that you take your personal belongings, cases and parcels with you. May we remind customers travelling with us today that, due to circumstances beyond our control, they will be subject to persecution.