Great Western Coffee Shop

Train and station announcements offer a relentless barrage of drivel in a language all of their own.

The government likes to recite the mantra that it "does not condone torture", but have ministers never experienced the privatised railway system so casually and cruelly inflicted on us in the dying days of John Major's administration?

I'm not talking about the overcrowded conditions endured by commuters, which would force battery hens to breathe in, but the language they are forced to listen to as they suffer. One shudders at the long-term psychological damage inflicted on the hapless employees of Burger King and Upper Crust forced to listen to this drivel on station concourses all day long.

Railspeak is a language with a unique syntax and vocabulary ^ characterised by, for example, the mandatory use of auxiliary verbs ("we do apologise"), the random deployment of redundant adjectives ("station stop", "personal belongings") and the selection of inappropriate prepositions ("journey time into London Paddington is approximately 25 minutes").

Trains never leave, but "depart", never reach their destination, but "terminate", and are frequently delayed by mysterious "incidents". Rail catering, meanwhile, has been transformed from a music hall joke (British Rail sandwiches) to a surreal world of its own, offering among other treats "teas, coffees, hot chocolates [sic] ..." (Has anyone tested this by asking how many varieties of hot chocolate are, in fact, available? To enjoy, perhaps, while reading the safety information leaflet in braille?)

Like Orwell's Newspeak, the result of all this is not effective communication but the creation of a gulf between the language used by its speakers and those on the receiving end. Calling people "standard-class customers" serves only to alienate them if the reality is that they feel treated like second-class (or third world) passengers. Hyper-correct, hyper-polite language may be well intended but comes across as patronising and insincere.

Do these people talk like this at home? "This is Julie, your customer host. I do advise Colin that I am now serving a full range of sausages, chips, beans, breads, butters and teas in the at-home kitchen. I do apologise that there is no at-armchair trolley service." And later: "This is Julie, your customer host. I do wish to inform Colin that due to adverse screaming kids conditions I do not agree to his suggestion of 'an early night and a bit of a cuddle'. I do apologise for any inconvenience caused."

I have been travelling on trains for decades and have yet to see a policeman on board, yet we are told several times on every journey to report anything suspicious to the train manager "or a police officer". Nor have I met a single fellow passenger ^ sorry, customer ^ who does not find "arriving into" highly annoying, or worse. So why not revert to "arriving at" and make the world a happier place?

The language of train announcements is counterproductive. People infuriated by non-stop "customer security information", constantly being told to take their "personal luggage, cases and parcels" with them wherever they go, and repeatedly being reminded that "this is a non-smoking service" (really?), will retreat into their iPods (still known as "personal stereos" in Railspeak) and not listen to any information at all. So when there actually is something important to announce ^ the train is on fire, say ^ no one will hear.

If anyone from Network Rail or the Misassociation of Train Operating Companies is reading this, I simply ask if it is beyond them to devise a clear, simple system of announcements, in plain English, restricted to essential information rather than the incessant outpouring of all this aural ordure. I am happy to volunteer my services and willing to undercut whatever was paid to the tin-eared idiots responsible for the development of train and station announcements over the last 20 years or so.

Meanwhile, someone should tell the announcer at Waterloo station that the ever-lengthening list of things we can't do ^ smoke, run, cycle, skateboard, find a rubbish bin, find a seat ^ does not, so far, extend to playing boules or yodelling. Is this an oversight?

At Bristol Temple Meads I tend to only really listen carefully to announcements made by the folks from the office on Platform 5. One of whom has a great local accent!