Great Western Coffee Shop

GREAT Western Trains is to replace the quiet carriage with a new compartment where customers are asked to be just a fraction less irritating.

Having accepted that humans are no longer capable of quietness or sustained consideration towards others, rail bosses are to introduce what they believe is a more realistic alternative.

A GWT spokesman said: ^The Slightly Quieter Carriage is a place for customers who want the nearest practicable thing to a relaxing experience on public transport.

^The Quiet Carriage thing wasn^t really working out. For some reason it seemed to attract even noisier individuals than the other carriages, as if they were drawn moth-like to the extra attention-seeking opportunities it afforded.

^Or maybe it was too ambiguous. I mean, the words ^Quiet^ and ^Carriage^ in conjunction could mean any number of things, apparently.^

Rail traveller Stephen Malley said: ^I am a pr**k and as such have no problem loudly broadcasting the details of my forthcoming meeting with someone called Claire Bevan at a pencil manufacturer in Swindon to a carriage full of people trying to read.

^But I like the idea of a carriage where it^s generally a bit quiet so everyone can hear me better, but they can^t give me dodgy looks because their moral high ground has been eroded.^

Leaky headphone owner Nikki Hollis said: ^These days the only reason people are quiet is because they^re thinking about doing a murder.^