Great Western Coffee Shop

Following surveys showing that customer satisfaction with railways is at an all-time low, rail companies are working hard to find innovative ways to show how much they loathe passengers.

^We really hate our passengers,^ said Southern Rail spokesman Simon Williams.

^So, we^re proposing to kick all of them up the a***. Not in metaphorical encouragement, but a literally swift boot against their backsides.^

^It will take a few more staff at stations, and possibly a delay in services but at Southern we^re committed to giving our customers a truly dismal experience.^

Southern have been pioneers in contempt for the people who use their services, running a largely fictional timetable out of London Bridge since Christmas.

Other companies are catching up fast, however.

^One of our busiest services is the 7.36 into Paddington,^ said a spokesperson for Thames trains.

^So we^ve replaced that train with Space Hoppers. We^ve had that in place for about a fortnight now, seeing all the commuters bouncing off to work on Space Hoppers? It^s a hoot.^

At Chiltern Rail Railways, they^ve focused on communications.

^Yes, we^ve replaced all announcements on our trains with tracks from the New Napalm Death album,^ said a spokesperson.

^So, instead of being told what the next station is, passengers get a 30 second blast of ^Parade of Viscera^

Great Northwestern have taken the doors off all the toilets, South West trains now officially supports ISIS, and Anglia Railways were behind the new Cr^me Egg recipe.

Only MerseyRail still seems to operate with consideration for its customers, so it^s assumed they^ll lose their contract to operate in the next review.