Great Western Coffee Shop

THE government has unveiled a package of annoying bulls**t designed to make Britain^s rail system the most painful in the world.

The new irritations, designed to emphasise existing flaws, will be coupled with price rises to make a standard return from Leeds to London twice as expensive as Katie Price^s wedding.

David Cameron said: ^We are already forcing weekend rail users onto replacement buses with drivers that have seemingly just woken from a coma, and delaying crowded trains so that perverts can frot themselves against fellow passengers.

^But with this extra push we can achieve badness on a global scale.^

The ^9 billion will be broken down as follows:

• ^750m to create new high-tech buffet cars which will sell two kinds of sandwich, both tasting of verukas
• ^2bn electrifying trains from the Welsh valleys which will humanely kill anyone trying to escape the region
• ^1.3m to remove 75 per cent of seating from First Class to stop businessmen with MacBooks from worrying they might have to share a table
• ^1bn on subsidising sales of giant bars of chocolate that are permanently on offer at WH Smiths in train stations
• ^840m doubling the number of comatose squaddies on trains from Scotland
• ^1bn to put a crumpled, grease-stained copy of Metro on every seat.

The remaining ^2.1bn is an executive bonus pot, to be paid when the first passenger daubs ^Help Me^ on the inside of a carriage with their own bodily fluids.

Transport secretary Caroline Greening said: ^This investment is key if we want to develop a rail system for the 21st century that, due to a train driver being stranded in Rugby, won^t arrive until the 22nd century.^